Never in a Million Years

 

What do you say when the most verbal person you know admits to being verbally abused? Sweet words, confessions of feelings deeper than friendship, kisses and long hugs, turning into hate, cuss words, spite, yelling, and balled up fists…

Even though he didn’t have the guts to hit me, he always wanted his hands on me, not understanding the discomfort that I felt on the inside because I knew it wasn’t right. He didn’t want to hear, “no, stop, not now” he wanted what he wanted and because he wouldn’t hit me he let his words slap, kick, stomp, and punch me until I complied with his wishes.

The saddest part about it was that I ALLOWED him to yoyo me like a toy, I was his toy to be played with. “I Hate you”, “Leave me ALONE!”, “you NEVER LOVED me!”, “You only care about YOURSELF!”, “just go away FOREVER!” and after hearing these things over and over I mustered up enough courage to walk away, only to be sucked back in with, “no baby don’t leave me”, “don’t you love me?”, “I love you.”, “you saved me!”, “you are my angel”, “You are my EVERYTHING!”. Up and down, up and down, up and down, like my feelings was a game to be played.

He was my puppet master. He knew which strings to pull to get the proper reaction out of me. He even tried to play the religion card on me. “God is going to hate you for not OBEYING”, “you think you are special because those people at that church told you, you were? HA! They lied to you”, “I am your GOD now”.

Don’t look at me so shocked! Oh, how I wish I could say that, that stuff wasn’t true but it is, and it happened. Some of you will wonder how someone like me, smart, outspoken, opinionated, bright future ahead, could let that happen to them.

Most of you only know who I allow you to see. You don’t know that for every single nice thing someone says about me, I heard at least three negative, hateful, hurtful things that follow, or that I have been teased about something ever since I was a little girl. Either I was too tall, too dark, too “Fat”, not fashionable enough…something. Elementary, Middle, High School, College, always good but not good enough hearing things like, “you are cute, smart, total girlfriend material, but I don’t date dark girls.” Never good enough no matter how much someone tells me I am beautiful, special, and rare. So please understand the background of this scenario and don’t look at me differently because this happened.

I have learned that it’s not about how you entered the storm, or even how you go through it, it’s about how you come out. I realized I was in a relationship with the Devil himself, so I cut the strings. I found my voice, I got up off the floor so that he would quit walking on me, and I spoke the words my father told me to speak. He was so confused that he had no choice but to back down.

Never in a million years did I ever think I could be verbally abused but I also never thought that my words could combat the pain that he caused me. Now I would be damned if anyone tries to shut me up.

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