My Prayer

“Listen to my prayer, O God, do not ignore my plea; hear me and answer me. My thoughts trouble me and I am distraught…” Can you hear me? Please don’t leave me out here alone. Please let me know that you can hear me, please don’t just hear me but tell me that you are there. My head is a mess, my thoughts only cause me problems and I don’t understand why they are giving me such stress… “Because of what my enemy is saying, because of the threats of the wicked; for they bring down suffering on me and assail me in their anger” …All of these negative people that don’t even understand me, who don’t even understand what I am going through, keep telling me to suck it up, that I can’t cry, that I am not allowed to feel or express my pain, only cause more agony in my darkness… “My heart is in anguish within me; the terrors of death have fallen on me. Fear and trembling have beset me; horror has overwhelmed me.” …Nobody knows that my dreams at night are filled with death and darkness, attacking my peace, making me think that I have evil inside of me, and making me question my lightness. It didn’t start until death became very real in my life, it was so close to home this time someone that was like me, my age, dealing with the same problems…the fear attacks me at all times of the day now and my heart just continues to break into pieces with every cold sweat, and labored breath once harsh screams left my throat… “I said “oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. I would flee far away and stay in the desert; I would hurry to my place of shelter, far from the tempest and storm” …I just wanted to run. I wanted to get away, away from people, away from school, away from professors and the people that pretended to care about the way I was feeling. I tried to be withdrawn, I tried to be isolated, I tried to run away mentally because I couldn’t physically. My mind was what was tormenting me any ways so I mentally packed my bags and bought a one-way ticket to the farthest place I could go so that I could finally find peace within the distress… “Lord confuse the wicked, confound their wicked words for I see violence and strife in the city.” …lord I am so much more aware of the things that are going on around me, the enemy is working hard, taking people out in violent ways. Car crashes, shootings, drowning, murder, killing, death all around and its ruthless… “day and night they prowl about on its walls; malice and abuse are within it. Destructive forces are at work in the city; threats and lies never leave its streets” …it never stops. Everywhere I go I see it all around me. There is no rest for me to heal from the damage that has been done. Lord you know that you created me to feel, being cold is not an option for me, so each and every blow is slowly sending me down further and further… “If an enemy were insulting me, I could endure it; if a foe were rising against me I could hide. But it is you, a [Woman] like myself, my companion my friend, with whom I once enjoyed sweet fellowship at a house of God, as we walk about among the worshipers.” I could have handled it better if it were someone distant, an acquaintance, someone I barely knew, but it was someone close, my best friend, my brother, my family, someone that understood and related and didn’t judge me. This would be easier if it wasn’t him… “Let death take my enemies by surprise; let them go down alive to the realm of the dead, for evil finds lodging among them” …Lord you take care of me because you chose me, that’s all that I hold on to these days. I know that the ones coming against me are being handled on a grander scale. So I hold my piece and be slow to speak because you do all the talking for me… “

as for me, I call to God, and the lord saves me. Evening, morning, and noon I cry in distress, and he hears my voice. He rescues me unharmed from the battle waged against me, even though many oppose me. God, who is enthroned from of old, who does not change — he will hear them and humble them, because they have no fear of God…Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” I Just need to keep holding on. He will never let me be shaken.

 

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